Grace and I are expecting a baby girl in the beginning of May!
This is a fine topic for a blog! I obviously have a lot of thoughts. I’ve rewritten this a few times. To be honest, a few too many thoughts have been spilled loosely. I’ve tried to organize them a bit.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about myself as a Dad. A Father. I’ve thought about having a little buddy to hang out with. I’ve thought about how I want to act, how I’d like to be thought of, the relationship I want to have with my child. Our child. It’s a lot. It has kept my mind busy, and affected my decision making already.
While I could write about my impending fatherhood from a multitude of angles, I have chosen to write for myself. At one point this post gushed about how great a mom Grace will be, how lucky I am to have her as a partner and why we work so well together. I talked about my relationship with God, or the higher universe. There was a diatribe about how our dog has prepared us to parent (she is insane and high maintenance, so I actually believe this). I’ve scrapped a lot to focus on me. I am the audience of this blog, not you. For those days when I may be knee deep in the terrible two’s, with blood shot eyes, caffeinated to the gills, speaking to my daughter with the indifference of a prison marshal that understands he’s never been in control of the inmates, and never will be. Or when maybe I’m feeling lost and questioning myself. Or scared because I have to relinquish control. I like reading my own words back: it’s like listening to an old friend you know really well. It’s kind of like time travelling back into my own head.
Well, I know I’m not always going to have the mental clarity of an underemployed struggling author on 8 hours of sleep and four coffees, 20 hours into an intentional fast bEcaUsE iT’s HeAlthY. I don’t doubt I have some difficult days ahead. Maybe it’s not too presumptuous of me to write down some thoughts about how I want to parent. What’s presumptuous is thinking that shell of himself that-is-me-in-the-future will read this and feel ~grounded~ …
I have been blessed with familial support that many never get to know. I grew up with role models aplenty, and many notable male father-figures. My grandfathers are both loyal, strong, and unflappably compassionate. My own father has always been a loyal friend; someone that does hard work that needs to be done, or should be done; someone who has never backed down despite the hand he was dealt; someone that learns and adapts no matter the obstacle. There were loads more role models along the way, and I’ve thought about them a lot.
I want to be patient. I have spent my entire life trying to be more patient. My life’s work is going to be tested for… well I guess the rest of my life, probably. As a child I had a temper. Not uncommon. This has manifested in many ways. I had to say a lot of hurtful things when I was mad before I figured out that saying the words was worse than feeling mad. Woof. I never want to say anything, or act in a way, that hurts my daughter. This might be impossible to avoid, if only because I’m innately oblivious at times. But never from a place of anger or frustration.
I am an adult and a model of self-control that will be tested again and again. I’ve done a great job of building a solid base for that.
At my best, I am playful. Read that one again if you need to, future me. Life is too short to be tense and miserable. I should be out puddle jumping, catching frogs and salamanders. We should learn all the different animal tracks in the snow in our yard, there are a lot. I am excited to read to her, and share my favorite books. I hope she likes them before developing her own interests. Maybe I’ll have a few years where she thinks my music is cool.
I have to listen. She is her own person, and she’ll need lots of guidance. But I think, to be the Dad I want to be, I have to be a good listener. I cannot be dismissive. Simply listening and trying to understand will bring us closer together, despite the problems we’re faced with. She’ll have her own interests, and I need to be careful to foster her creativity without imposing, or squashing. Prompt and see where she goes, don’t instruct. Not always, at least.
I want to empower my daughter. I want her to be strong, and to impose herself on the world. A daughter who is not afraid to discover what she wants, and go get it for herself. A daughter like Grace!
I think to raise a child that has a healthy relationship with technology, I must have one myself. Less binging and scrolling, for all of us.
Calm, comforting, a boulder that resists the erosion of time. Melodramatic, but quick to laugh at myself. A good communicator, a strong listener. Might not know what to say, but doesn’t always need to be speak.
Really terrified to have a teenage daughter. Luckily I have a lot of time.
What haven’t I covered? Coaching youth sports? I’ll burn that bridge when I get to it. In a visor on the soccer sidelines might be my peak form. We’ll find out.
I hope this reads as hopeful, optimistic idealism. I don’t mean to suggest I know anything about being a father. But I think we’ll be okay.
Z