A 30th Birthday Post!

This year for my birthday I’m asking you to donate to a local artist… me.
Until Friday 3/15, Spirit Foul and Carolers are 20% off through this site! If you want to get me a present, get a book! Or leave a review! Or sign up to get updates from this site! That’d be a sweet BDay present, too.

Support

As a quick aside, I’ve been asked a few times about the most effective form of supporting my writing. Firstly, if you’re reading or reviewing my work, you’re supporting and I love you. But the effectiveness really varies. That’s capitalism, baby.

Here is a list, in order of how much of your money actually goes in my pocket as opposed to somewhere else. For example, if you buy a SF hardcover off Amazon, I take home 26% of your money, whereas the ebooks are closer to 70%. Oof.

(Best) Signed copies from this website (Hardcovers > paperbacks > buying from Amazon)
Amazon Kindle
Paperbacks from Amazon
Hardcover from Amazon

This may change in the future as I expand this lil smol bidness.

Goodbye to my 20s

There they go! Big 3-0 and still getting carded. As I mentioned in last year’s inaugural A Birthday Post, I am more reflective during the crazy month of March than I am any other time of year. More than the holidays, more than New Years. For some reason the changing of a number gets me thinking.

At 20, I struggled deeply with my self-identity.
At 21, I met the love of my life.
At 22, I leveled out, grew more steady and mature.
At 23, I graduated college and spent like, 7 months outside.
At 24, I methodically changed my life to be what I wanted.
At 25, with more money than I’d ever had, I spent as much time as I could in my canoe.
At 26, I had a house to work on with my best friend, and asked her to marry me.
At 27, I jumped to my hopeful dream job the next town over.
At 28, I got married! then left that job to pursue a dream.
At 29, I found out I will become a Dad.

Little dramatic there, but it was a fun exercise to condense an entire year into one sentence. Very difficult, would recommend.

I don’t think I could possibly change as much over the next ten years as I did the last. It would be so fun to have a conversation with myself from ten years ago. First thing I’d do is call myself an idiot. I don’t expect that’s how my 40 year old self would greet me today, but what do I know?

What’s that Frank line everyone loves? “Regrets—I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention.”

Life is change. I’m so proud of myself. I’ve changed in ways that I’m proud of. Grown in new directions, and left behind habits and mentalities that weren’t serving me. If I can keep adapting like that, I’m confident in my future. To put myself in the mind of that 20 year old caught in the turbulence between adolescence and adulthood, the life I live now seemed impossible. How could I become so happy? I will give credit to luck, firstly. And second, I’d say as with all things, many tiny steps in the right direction.

My junior year at Wentworth I took a transformative writing class at Simmons. I should reach back out to my professor there, he was incredible and nurturing and positive and honest. I looked at him one day with maybe the stupidest revelation I’ve ever come to. I said something along the lines of “Oh, to write a book you literally just have to write one scene at a time.” His response was to laugh at me and say, “How else did you think it happens?”

I have always maintained that the greatest gift engineering school provides is the ability to solve problems. You look at a big picture, and find the various root things that need to be solved. At different times in my 20s I needed money (always do), a car, a place to live, a job, direction! Resolve one thing at a time the best you can, then move to the next. I carry this into my thirties and fatherhood, surrounded by, but comfortable in, the uncertainty.

Reflections on my first book

Spirit Foul! Almost a year later I’ve grown more impressed with the writing and release of this work.

I am so proud of it, and I have to be. It certainly isn’t paying the bills. My love letter to Ultimate is a story I am so happy to have told, and something I’ll have for the rest of my life. It’s pretty neat to have a product I can sell forever. Who knows? Maybe the book will hit a chain reaction in the community three, five, ten years from now. I won’t hold my breath, though.

Marketing the book was discouraging. I received plenty of positive feedback, tons of validation and praise. But it didn’t strike the community with the explosiveness I hoped for. I did some advertising, and drove to Ultimate events all summer. It rained so much! Terrible weather to sell books in.

The story, and writing, is flawed. It has to be, it’s my first. I can acknowledge that, and understand the mechanical and technical reasons why it hasn’t skyrocketed. It’s all relative, and I’m still hopeful and extremely proud of the story. It’s mine, and no one can take that away. It is only one Ultimate story, and it’s not the most important ever told. I’m happy with that. If I relied on success to be happy with the art, I’d certainly be doomed. So I write for me, and hope it resonates.

The marketing continues! I know I mentioned an audiobook in those early days. The reality is, audiobooks are extremely costly and difficult to produce. I could read it myself, sure. But I’m no sound engineer. I have no doubt I could learn some basics. And don’t get me wrong, I might still. From a small business outlook, it still doesn’t seem like the payoff is worth the time. The royalties for audiobooks are messed up at the moment, but I’m hopeful to hear just this week that Brandon Sanderson is strong-arming the industry to better serve indie authors and publishers for better deals. Very cool. You may one day be able to listen to me read the story, but I promise nothing.

Resistance

Alright. So last year I started a serialized story with the intention of releasing a novella when I was done.

To sum it up: I failed.

I have a finished rough draft. Even though I took a long hiatus from writing and posting, this winter I went ahead and finished the story as I had originally imagined it. And I’m not happy with Resistance.

I’ve written in previous blogs about the spiral that ensued. I will one day go back and fix it, and release in some form or another. But reflecting on Resistance, I again go back to opportunity cost. It needs a lot of work. And to be honest, I am not excited to gut it. Instead I have set it to the side until some enthusiasm returns.

On to Cincinnati

I am writing another novel!

Weighing the opportunity cost with my small business hat on, I felt like the best thing I could do for my career at this moment is to write another book.

I don’t want to give many details, first because the story is young. I am about 30k words into a rough draft after putting a few weeks of devoted effort into it. This week I feel like I’ve transitioned out of the introduction, or beginning, of the story. I’m now writing the meat and guts. I struggled finding the characters a bit. I don’t know how many of those 30k words will find their way into a final version, but it could be as low as a quarter, or half. My mentality is to plow forward knowing I will get some insight into how the characters should be introduced as I progress.

I read something recently that encouraged not revealing too much, and being very intentional with the information I give out during the writing process. Seems wise.

I know this story I’m drafting right now is the correct place to focus my attention because it is very challenging. I write a scene of prose and see that there is a hint of a good story in there. If I could only claw my way another level deeper, and then cut out more fat and sharpen it even deeper, I might have something truly great. I am struggling, and enjoying the hustle. So, I think I’m on the right track. My aim is for a great story that appeals to an audience much larger than Spirit Foul.

The time it takes to write a novel discourages many who try. Looking realistically at how long it will take to have another book in my hands is disheartening. “Nothing worth having comes easy,” Dr. Bob Kelso, Chief of Medicine.

I think I’m on the right track, improving my writing and enjoying the process.

Conclusion

I find myself so grateful this birthday. Thank you for reading, or skimming, or following along as I attempt the impossible: sanity, happiness, and stability in pursuit of art I enjoy creating. I am hopeful about the future.

I mourn my twenties but wouldn’t change a thing. I am happy with how I’ve changed these last ten years, and I know I’ll be happy with myself if I just stay the course; adapt when necessary, attack challenges, and move forward despite setbacks. What more can I ask of myself?

I am going to be a Dad! and I think about it every day. I’m going to write more books, and I think about them every day. I’m so incredibly lucky, and I thank the universe for this life every day.

<3 The Real (old?) Zack Smith