140624
June 24, 2014
Wait, tick, there goes the switch
I suddenly don’t feel as good as I did
As quickly as the wind can blow
The fingers wrap and take their hold
And all at once I find my nerves
Stop responding to all words
…
To me, this poem embodies the scariest feeling I had from my days of deep depression: the feeling of instability. I could begin a day with the highest of hopes and find myself crawling back into bed defeated by noon. I had no control over my emotions, and worse, they had complete control over me. I was very quick to return to negativity, as if each day I was discovering how meaningless life was for the very first time. For years I had thought poorly of myself, and I let personal expectations expand far beyond what was reasonable to accomplish. I put a lot of pressure on myself and beat myself up over every perceived failure.
I was heading toward a breaking point when I got a concussion in college. It was not my first. I had a few that were diagnosed, but there’s a spectrum and I could guess there were handfuls of little ones. But the concussion I got in September 2014 was the most noticeable and impactful. I couldn’t exercise for some weeks immediately following. I knew that working out helps humans feel better, but until I had it ripped away, I didn’t fully comprehend how important it is to my mental health to keep my body active. I really started to break by October and I’m glad I sought out professional help.
Depression and anxiety seem so prevalent in society. Are we talking about mental health more, or is something about our lifestyle and social media changing how people feel? Nothing from my childhood prepared me for how unwell I, and so many of my friends, would feel as we came of age. I am glad to have found a path of sustainable happiness with the support of many loved ones. A lot of the changes I made were instinctual. I started exercising more once I could; I worked on a positive mindset (still working on it); I took it easier on myself and lowered my expectations. I did things that made me feel better, like going to bed earlier and not eating like a garbage can. Drinking and smoking less had more of an impact than I wanted to acknowledge at the time… Slowly I started to feel better. One day I realized I had made a joke in my head and laughed at my own thought, and it was the first time in a long time that I was having fun with myself. I stopped beating myself up and allowed room for forgiveness.
I will never forget that I was on anti-depressants for a year and a half. While there are many solutions and I am by no means a champion for Big Pharma, they gave me the boost I needed. During that time I regularly asked myself “should I stop taking them?” And the answer for a while was no, I was improving but not ready. When the time finally came I tapered off as recommended. I waited maybe a month or two after to tell my girlfriend, and probably even longer to tell my mom or best friends. But I felt good and solid, and it had been on my terms. The process of taking care of myself mentally has never stopped.
I’m lucky to have an unbelievable team of support, and many lifelong friends. I am eight years (!) removed from the Zack that wrote this. It feels good to be easier on myself and to seek out happiness in the world as opposed to the opposite. I encourage anyone feeling any terrible thoughts to reach out to myself or your loved ones, or mental health professionals. I got my referral through my physician during a concussion follow up. I am so thankful that I didn’t lie to that woman. I’ve always wanted to be a strong person, and admitting that I wasn’t doing well mentally was a giant hurdle to make. But I’m so glad I made it because I needed help and I got it. Look out for your loved ones, and know that even if you don’t feel like it, everyone is worthy of happiness.
Zack