Crawling out from under my rock to eat my column
Stan here-maybe you’ve forgotten about me. That’s what my ex-wife was hoping for when she successfully convinced the judge to erase me from the public eye for several months. A few weeks behind bars helped my sleeping problem though, so jokes on them. You may have thought I was running from the Army Dillo’s lackluster season- content to stay mum on a few bad predictions. It was a convenient alibi, I’ll admit. But here I am: fork, knife and bib ready to eat my own words. Let’s ease in, bottom to top, so I may avoid my biggest blunders for just a little longer.
JOE BUCK YOURSELF
ESPN Draft Grade: 10 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: D
Post-Season Position: 12/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A
Nailed this one. Joe Buck Yourself finished at the bottom of the league behind a -15.3ppg deficit. Here’s hoping for a strong draft!
TEAM DUCKBUTT
ESPN Draft Grade: 5 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: B+
Post-Season Position: 11/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A
Duckbutt’s atrocious post-season covers up a solid regular season. People forget Duckbutt nearly missed the playoffs before the guys really mailed it in and #tankforStetsonBennett. A few bounces could’ve gone this team’s way and totally changed the season. But, it didn’t. Standing by my initial evaluation.
TEAM DUBE
ESPN Draft Grade: 4 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: C
Post-Season Position: 10/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: B+
Team Dube was not a contender, and I knew it from the go. Clearly had ESPN beat on this analysis. A 5-9 season seems appropriate, they needed a lot more luck and a lot less Kyler Murray sass. Look for this team to draft well and put this inaugural dud behind them.
JUSTIN TIME
ESPN Draft Grade: 12 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: B
Post-Season Position: 9/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: B-
I was a little high on Justin Time, whose team changed DRASTICALLY week in and week out. Gotta hand it to the owner here, they threw everything and the kitchen sink at a win. Totally snake bitten, ESPN must have seen a poor luck streak headed at this team like a Japanese bullet train. Maybe next year will be the year.
STEP TEAM
ESPN Draft Grade: 9 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: D
Post-Season Position: 8/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A
This team’s hot garbage and I knew it. Boasting the league worst -16.6ppg differential, Step Team got a lucky few wins in the post-season to avoid the last place finish. But make no mistake, they hustled while better teams didn’t give a fuck. I nailed this team for what it is: lucky to have managed 4 wins this season.
WE PLAY 4 RINGS UN THE VALLEY
ESPN Draft Grade: 6 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: D
Post-Season Position: 7/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: C
This team had a lot more spunk and moxie than I gave them credit for. Truly a group of fighters that earned every win, this is the best losing team that none of the good team’s actually wanted to play.
THE CORN DOGS
ESPN Draft Grade: 8 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: C+
Post-Season Position: 6/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: B
Fear the Corn Dogs! I had no idea when I wrote that at the beginning of the season that teams would actually fear the dogs. But it happened! The Corn Dogs had the 2nd fewest amount of points against. Teams actually fear the corn dogs! Who woulda thunk?
AUGUSTA N’ATL ARMY DILLOS
ESPN Draft Grade: 1 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: A++
Post-Season Position: 5/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A
Of course I stand by this grade. It’s the correct assessment- this is the best roster. For most of the season the Dillos outscored every other team, and got every other team’s best shot. The team was deflated after losing several tight battles, and for the love of God why didn’t anyone alert management after 4 weeks in a row that Brandin Cooks was holding out? What the fuck. Not once did the Dillos even think about pulling him despite NOT EVEN BEING AT THE FACILITY. Don’t even get me fucking started on Zach Wilson and Russ Wilson. Those were the correct picks, but the quarterbacks took it upon themselves to FUCKIGN SUCK. No. My Grade is correct. The LEAGUE is wrong and the DILLOS got hosed. Undefeated season is already loading for next year.
MANCH VEGAS TREV’S DYNASTY/ TREV’S BAG OF D’S
ESPN Draft Grade: 2 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: B+
Post-Season Position: 4/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: C
For a while it looked like Trev’s Bag had an easy schedule. But they were only sack-tapped 3 times this year, boasting a most impressive league-leading +23.1ppg differential on their way to an 11-3 season. A Post-Season collapse prevented the bag of D’s from satisfaction. Expect the bag of blue balls to come back next season with a vengeance after being snubbed from the podium. Regardless of post-season retooling, team’s should expect a hard slapping every time they line up against the bag.
ANGRY MOMMA
ESPN Draft Grade: 3 of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: A
Post-Season Position: 3/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A
This team rocks and I knew it. Angry Momma didn’t just beat teams, they sat them in timeout and forced them to finish their veggies. Many a team could be seen rubbing their bottoms after a hard disciplining, and word has it Angry Momma tan their own leather belts because “the factory ones don’t sting enough.” It’s unfair that the post-season comes down to a few special performances: Angry Momma and Trev’s Bag were serving up whoop-ass by the pound all season.
TEAM CARDARELLI/ PITTMAN’S HITMAN
ESPN Draft Grade: 7 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: B
Post-Season Position: 2/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: C
Grading myself poorly because I should’ve been harder on this team. I can’t believe we’re in a reality where the two best teams in the league finished 3rd and 4th. Who finished ahead of them, which two teams sparred in the finals? Pittman’s Hitman kept their head above water long enough for everyone else to drown. They pushed Rose off the door and used Jack’s body as a life-preserver. They finished with a negative point differential! Let this team be a reminder that fantasy is cruel and unusual; nothing you do matters and someone will always be luckier than you. This year, it was Pittman and his Hitmen.
POTLAND GREASERS
ESPN Draft Grade: 11 out of 12
Stan’s Draft Grade: D-
Post-Season Position: 1/12
Stan’s Draft Grade Grade: A+
What? This team won, how can you stand by a terrible grade? Let me fucking tell you. Eight. Eight is the number of teams that scored more than the greasiest team this side of the Mississippi. Zero. Zero is the number of teams that had fewer points scored against them than Potland. Was there anything anyone could do about that? Destiny decided the Greasers were her team, and by God she went off on her shit to make sure they won. If you ever thought to yourself “Self: let’s do this. Let’s remortgage the house, let’s quit that shitty job and put it all on Fantasy. I can do this! I’ve read all the Matthew Berry content, I’ve researched every backup’s backup, I know more than everyone about fantasy football! I dream in depth charts. I’m going to be a millionaire!” Hold your fucking phone. Do a quick case study on the Potland Greasers. I’ll wait.
Fantasy is unfair. Fantasy doesn’t care about how much time you put in. Fantasy doesn’t care if you spend every dollar on the waiver wire to get 0.3ppg more out of your backup tight end. The Potland Greasers won this season. Let that be a lesson: you’d make more money on a slot machine than you would betting on fantasy football. The flea-ridden, sweat soaked Potland Greasers are this year’s champions and there is nothing anyone could do about it. This is divine intervention at its most flagrant. Congratulations to the Greasers for sliding their way past superior competition for an entire season.